I forgot to mention... it's been quite a while since I've written in this thing. Yeah. a lot of things have actually happened from December to August. For one, I went on a 3 month deployment to Asia. I spent a lovely 3 days in Japan as part of the cruise. The Navy's pretty much been raping me though. I'm trying really hard to get some classes done for college but it looks like I'll only be able to get 4 done in an entire year. Now I actually have to pay for them due to new "policies" :]... And it turns out I'm actually in the Selected Reserves, and I have a screwy contract. I have a lot of choices of what to do now that I'm about to get out, but none seem satisfying after going through this. I mean I could work at some crappy electronics store and go to school, but it doesn't help with the fact that deep down inside I'm almost completely non social now. I am really missing a sense of closeness with everyone. I feel like there's something deeply wrong with me. It's scary. I've made a few good friends on the ship since my last posting as well, but like most their kinda distant : /.  I've also started playing guitar. It sort of makes me forget about reality to try to play a melody over and over, or just to mess around a bit. I've only been playing for a month or so so I still kinda suck(not to mention time constrained). I am debating whether or not to start programming crappy videogame projects again. I don't even have my online friends anymore really since I don't have much opportunity to go on AIM and crap. meh : /...

 

Well.. at least this weekend I will see somebody I knew "back home"(from New York City) for the first time in a year. He moved to Los Angeles temporarily(about an hr and a half from San Diego), and we're going to go to the "EVO" tournament... now I can bring out my rusted skillz in Marvel vs Capcom 2 & Melee. lol... I  feel like I really have no life. lol. Works been depressing though, and I only escape through occasional books, frappucinos & procrastination like theres no tommorow.

Lately, I've been feeling a very dreamlike quality to everything. Things seem too black and white. While I see possibilities in everything now, it's as if I have 1 choice I can make, to do the right thing-or I have 1000 other choices to make, going another way that will end up in constant unfulfilment. I have too many expectations of myself. It's depressing because in that sense, I've forgotten who I really am. It's as if something has ripped my essence. I really wish I could accept other people into my heart again as well. I've had very good opportunities come and go(one day one may be the last), and everytime, I can't accept myself, and I can't stop blaming myself for who I am.

 

I'm trapped in a box. I shove my way out of this barrier, with a thrust of heavy breaths. Each time though, it gets harder and harder to catch my breath. Maybe the only way to end this drama is to finish living. By no means am I saying I should go suicidal, but maybe I have to accept that life goes nowhere except to death. Whoever I am will remain until I no longer exist. I try hard to deny these thoughts, and all it does is cause me to become better at ignoring it.

 

Socrates once said "the unexamined life is not worth living". I don't consider myself a philosopher by any stretch, but maybe he should have added that an overexamined life is a miserable one... or something.

 

I suppose this feeling will go away, as it usually does. It comes back, and then it goes.

When I am done with the Navy, I think I'm going to study abroad.. Today I actually picked up a book in Spanish to read, just to better my Spanish(along with an Edgar Allen Poe book).. it's always been broken. I am a weirdo.

I hate the fact that my schooling was a year long. Before I joined, I did it because my life was empty. Now I'm here.. everything I knew home is dissapearing. I find myself doing weird shit for the hell of it, and feeling empty as hell -_-.. I exercise and that keeps me from feeling depressed, but in the end I look at myself and I am still just there living day to day. I wish I had a life that had consistancy, I guess.

Running sneakers are magical things. After running in Vans for 3 months, I tried buying actual running sneakers.. and.. today I ran 6 miles o_o